Book review and excerpt from When your marriage ends by Vivian Hodges.

Review

I received an ARC copy from the author for an honest review. I wish I had this book when I went through my divorce. It would have helped a great deal when I had to redefine myself.

When your marriage ends by Vivian Hodges is a well-defined book with chapters that cover every area of your life after a divorce. Not only is it to the point and interesting, but the application exercises help to get your head back into the present and work through the areas in a mature and dignified way. It will keep you grounded while your entire life is out of whack, messy and hard.

This is more a manual/journal than an actual book. With all the exercises to help, it would be a great tool to keep next to your bed. It is a good reference, and easy to follow when you feel stuck and need that extra push to get out of bed and face whatever the world, aka your ex, might throw at you. Those curveballs can be unexpected and messy and throw you out of balance quicker than you can say “coffee”.

I was lucky to have a friend who helped me to get up and get moving. This book will be your best friend during this time. If I had the finances, I would give this to every woman in need. Add a good supporting system around you, then you will make it. Just trust and believe that God is in control.

Chapters include; What to Expect in Yourself, The Five Stages of Divorce, The Root of All Feelings, Reframe Your Thoughts, Practical Exercise and Daily Emotional Quality Control. Find Your Reason, Self-Care, Moving On, How to Budget, What Is the Difference Between Freeloading and Genuine Need? When You Still Need to Talk, Toxic Exes, Should I Get Back With My Ex? Rebound Relationships, Put Memories in Their Place, Find Your Bliss, Set New Goals, and Relationship Warning Signs. These are just a few of the chapters that would help to get your balance back.

Finding yourself during the darkness is difficult, but overcomeable. Now, nine years later, I can say that my life is not perfect, but I am better off on my own. Don’t rush the process.

This book really captures the very heart of what you will experience and the message clear; You are not alone.

Here are a few quotes from the book.

“Big life events, like what you are going through now, offer the best way to rediscover and maybe even reinvent yourself.”

“The HolmesRahe Stress Scale has defined divorce as the second-highest stress you can experience (Gadoua, 2012). Only the loss by death of a loved one rates higher.”

“Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.” Susan David

“You can replace any set of negative thoughts with proactive and uplifting actions. The trick is to consistently countermand an unhelpful or self-destructive thought with a better one.”

“Get clear on what is worthy and valuable about you. List all your strengths, and focus on inner qualities more than outer or external merits. If you tie your value and worth to things that you do not have complete control over, you will have a shaky sense of self-worth that is easily knocked down.”

“Look through your vision for yourself and some of the goals you have set. Choose five of the most important goals.”

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Excerpt

Chapter 1: What to Expect

Per ardua ad astra. –Latin phrase meaning “through adversity to the stars.”

Let’s face it, divorce is not for sissies. Divorce does not proceed in any predictable way, although we can see some patterns based on the experiences of others. We should look into these patterns to prepare ourselves—knowing what to expect can help us be ready mentally, emotionally, and physically for what is to come. After all, our unknown fears prey on our imaginations and lead to our worst feelings of anxiety and worry. Knowing the probable pattern and having the tools to deal with what will come helps us understand and overcome our fears.

Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. –J. K. Rowling

In the end, this is not so much about what got you here but rather about what you are going to do now. This is a tough time, but I promise that it is not forever, and afterward, you will emerge stronger and better than ever.

What to Expect in Yourself

You are probably experiencing a range of emotions, and strangely enough, at times you may feel two contradictory feelings at the same time. Like, you can feel angry at the situation and yet happy that new possibilities are opening up. You can feel fearful and excited. You can feel betrayed but also compassionate toward the person you tried to make a life with. Having more than one feeling about a situation is perfectly normal. We are complex beings with a wide range of thoughts and feelings. So, we can have several feelings at the same time, and these feelings can also be mixed.

The Five Stages of Divorce

When faced with any big stress or traumatic life event, we naturally go through a range of reactions—first denial, then anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. You can cycle through these stages very quickly or so slowly that years can go by in each of them. But only by reaching a state of acceptance will you be able to deal effectively with your life.

Denial

When at first the dreaded D-word comes up, we likely start out with a sense of denial. “This can’t be happening.” “This is not what I wanted or planned for my life.” Facing reality, or rather not wanting to face it, is not a unique problem. It is at the heart of a lot of our troubles. Facing facts requires that you allow yourself to see them objectively. We try to avoid pain by pretending things aren’t really the way they are. What actually happens is that we just prolong our suffering.

We can end up stuck in an unhappy relationship for a very long time because of this. Then, when finally someone mentions divorce, we freeze even further for a while. This is a stress response. If we are very still, the danger might not see us. Fear and anxiety about an unknown future can hold us here. But we need to face our fears and shine a clean, pure light on them. This is the only way to see them for what they are and thereby make them smaller and less threatening. Big changes are stressful, and for the time that you stay in denial, you also dodge having to take the next step. But unfortunately, life will eventually overtake you, whether you choose to stay in this state or not.

Moving Past Denial

Like a Band-Aid, you need to rip off the blinkers and face what lies beneath. Staying in a state of denial will just keep you stuck and suffering unnecessarily. Whatever has happened has happened. You cannot change that. Now it is time to face the facts and to do that, I ask you to think about the following:

·         What do you really fear will happen next? Express these fears, write them down, or share them with a trusted ear.

·         What are the benefits to you of staying in denial?

·         What do you stand to lose if you stay in the denial state of mind?