Monday, September 17, 2012

Accidentally Married to... a Vampire?(Book 2) My Review

Title: Accidentally Married to...A Vampire? (Book 2)
Series: The Accidentally Yours Series
Author: Mimi Jean Pamfiloff
Genre: Paranormal Romance
Length: 243 Pages

Available at:
Amazon




Blurp:
“If you love her, set her free. If she comes back, she’s yours. If she doesn’t…Christ! Stubborn woman! Hunt her down, and bring her the hell back; she’s still yours according to vampire law.” - Niccolo DiConti, General of the Vampire Queen’s Army.
THE DETERMINED VAMPIRE: Niccolo DiConti has faithfully served as leader of Her Majesty’s army for over a millennium, but he’d rather sunbathe in the Sahara than spend another grueling day under his demented queen’s command. However, no one has ever left her side and lived to tell. So when a powerful goddess prophesies he will meet his salvation—a human woman he must turn into a vampire with her consent—he eagerly rises to the challenge. After all, how hard could it be to seduce a human female into taking the immortal plunge? Harder than he thinks. Because his mate won’t be born for another three centuries, and when he wakes up in the goddess’ tomb, not only is his life a mess, but his destined female isn’t about to settle for a coldhearted vampire. Can he win her over before it’s too late? Not if his enemies have anything to do with it. AN UNWILLING BRIDE: On the night Helena Strauss meets the fierce, devastatingly handsome vampire who saves her life in the jungles of Mexico, she knows her world will be forever changed. Because an attraction this mind blowing only comes along once in a lifetime—or existence. And when he claims she is his one true mate, destined to be his for all eternity, it’s a fairytale come true. So what if her knight in shining armor is a vampire? Nobody’s perfect. But discovering the powerful, overbearing immortal doesn’t “do love”? Deal breaker. Helena will flee and set out to accomplish the impossible…sever the otherworldly bond between them. And it turns out, Helena is just the leverage Niccolo’s enemies need to break the mighty warrior and wipe out his people.
WARNING:This book contains sexual content (For some of you, not enough. I know. I’ll try harder, I promise.), adult language, hot men with unrealistically large physical characteristics, female whining (What? I whine all the time. It’s a healthy form of venting!), silliness, snark, sarcasm, and blatant abuse of the English language.
Expert #1
Dear Mortal Female,Are you one of those unlucky women whose life has been bamboozled by a deceivingly hunky vampire? Are you looking for a way to fix that train wreck you now call your life?If so, then I will savor your agony because everyone knows that playing smoochie fang with a vampire isn’t wise.Yes, yes. I hear you…But I thought he’d eat caribou and sparkle. Or my personal favorite…Oh, but he was sooo hot, all brooding and bulging with muscles.Well, you know what they say about excuses, don’t you? They’re like backsides. Everyone has one, and they all stink.But fret nyet my little people pets! Auntie Cimil, Goddess Delight of the Underworld, is here to help you out of your sour pickle. This little tale holds the secret to separating yourself from an unwanted vampire mate. But be forewarned, “Until death do us part” has a whole other meaning when you’re talking vampires. Mine Truly,The Fabulous Miss Cimil PS: If you’ve read Book #1 and hope to discover what happens to our hunky, beloved Tommaso, or to Emma’s grandmother, then I will also enjoy watching you suffer. The author, who I have every intention of smiting for revealing the gods’ secrets, has no plans to disclose their fates for several more novels (although you’ll get a hint in Book #3). Oh, but it’s going to be sooo good! In the meantime, here’s the next piece of the puzzle… 
Expert #2
July 12, 1712, Bacalar, Southern Mexico
Delirious with hunger, the weary vampire sat hip deep in mud, his broad back against a hollow tree as he glared at the crisp blue sky. The month-long summer rains had abruptly retreated. Now how much longer could he wait for her? Hours? Days? Sunshine was not Niccolo DiConti’s most cherished friend.
“Magnifico,” he grumbled.
His gaze shifted to the nearby pool. “Where the devil are you, woman?” he growled. Endless days had passed without as much as a ripple on the water’s surface. This ancient Mayan ceremonial pool was the goddess’s favorite portal to the human world when she came scouting for souls—he’d paid a king’s ransom for that information—but she’d yet to materialize.
His shoulders slumped, and he sank deeper into the sticky jungle floor. Shards of painful sunlight pierced the tree canopy and danced across his face, a face gloriously referred to by many as that of a hardened warrior—dark features, a few character-building scars, and capable of producing a soul-chilling scowl when necessary. Today, however, he could not muster the strength to frighten a small child.
You are a pitiable mess, he thought for the hundredth time.
Struck hard by the irony of his situation, he let out a bitter chuckle. He was legendary for his raw power, intrepid leadership, and ruthless will to survive—no, not just survive, thrive. In any situation. Any century. But as soon as he saw her, he might actually beg like some lowly mortal serf. Buon, anything it takes, he reminded himself. And, count your blessings that your men are not present to witness your mental shipwreck on the Island of Self-Pity.
He closed his eyes, attempting to push away his bitter frustration, but his thoughts only swiveled toward his gnawing hunger. Hmmm, a rabbit or monkey…I must catch a little something to quell the hunger pangs—
“Well, well. What do we have here?” said a sultry feminine voice.
Niccolo’s eyes snapped open to find a dainty woman with long, wet ropes of red hair snaking down her naked body. “Cristo sacro! It is about bloody time,” he barked.
The woman arched one coppery brow. “Oh my, aren’t we a cranky little thing? And dirty, too. Had a little mud bath, did we, vampire?”
With her lean, almost boyish frame, the Goddess of the Underworld reminded him of a delicate fairy. But he knew better than to underestimate Cimil. Not only was she infamous for instigating mischief and being twelve cookies shy of a baker’s dozen, she also possessed powerful sight—thousands of years ahead, millions of possible outcomes. She was his last hope. Sad really.
“My sincerest apologies, Goddess,” he said. “It is my lack of nourishment speaking.” He pushed himself slowly from the muck and stretched. “I have been waiting weeks, and as you are aware, the sun weakens my kind.” He wiped his dirty hands on his black trousers and then ran them through the length of his damp hair, shaking out the leaves.
She ogled him like a giant confection. “Well, well. If I’d known you were waiting, little dumplin’, I might have dropped in sooner. But I was in a deep trance. Had to catch up on Dexter. What a hottie! That guy puts the errr”—she purred—“in killer. Ya know what I mean?”
Niccolo shook his head slowly, unsure of how to respond to her bewildering jargon. Having lived in a hundred countries and speaking dozens of languages fluently, Niccolo considered himself an educated man of the world. He’d even learned English from an Oxford scholar. Yet, he had never heard such colloquialisms.
“Not into Dexter?” She looked confused. “Oooh, I see. You’re a Walking Dead kind of guy!” She winked. “I gotcha.” She suddenly jumped to one side, away from a butterfly fluttering past, and then froze for several moments.
Unsure of what else to do, Niccolo cleared his throat.
She instantly snapped to life. “Hi. Who are you? And are you aware that good hygiene has made a comeback?”
Masking his confusion and ignoring the slight on his shabby appearance, he bowed his head and replied, “Niccolo DiConti, General of—” He caught himself and stopped. Perhaps he should not call attention to his identity. The gods might not be on his list of admirers. Although, they should be. What was not to like?
Cimil’s eyes lit. “The Niccolo DiConti? What an honor!”
Niccolo stood a little taller then. “Yes, I seek your assistance.”
Cimil rolled her eyes. “Well, no duh. You didn’t abandon your queen’s side, risking her wrath, to see me in my fabulous birthday suit. Although”—she began slowly pacing like a slinky cat—“you and I could have some fun together. I don’t mind a little dirt. Especially on a tasty treat like you.” She licked her lips.
Despite her odd speech, Niccolo understood the gist. He ran both hands through his hair once again, this time with worry. Sex was the last thing on his mind at the moment, and the last few centuries, for that matter. Too much killing to do, he supposed. But a coldhearted female like her would never warm his blood, even if he had the urge.
Regardless, she was right. He had taken a substantial risk abandoning his post. By now, the queen was likely hunting him via their blood bond, and it wouldn’t be long before she caught up. Indeed, he needed Cimil’s help. Urgently. Only, it had never occurred to him that she might ask for sex as payment. On the other hand, what woman wouldn’t want him?
He squared his shoulders and stared down at her. He could do this. Any price for his freedom, right?
“Buon. If that is what you wish, I will bed you in exchange for your assistance.”
Laughter exploded from Cimil. “Oh, would you relax, vampire? First off”—she held out her scrawny index finger—“I don’t need to blackmail men into sleeping with me.” She snorted loudly. “Because, I’m loaded!”
Loaded?
“I do not see you carrying anything. In fact, you are nude,” he pointed out.
Cimil looked down at her body. “Oh, look! I am naked.” She frowned. “Heeey, it’s not polite to interrupt. I was telling you a story. Let me see…” She scratched her head. “Oh yeah. I was explaining how I’m so moneyed—that means ‘wealthy’ to you, Bo Bo—I even bought myself a nice little sultan with a camel just last week.” She paused and tapped her finger on the corner of her mouth. “On second thought, he wasn’t worth the tiny island I had to trade for him,
and the stupid camel doesn’t even fit through the bedroom doorway. I should go back to blackmailing men for sex. That’s a great idea. Thanks!”
Niccolo swallowed hard. Cristo sacro! I am going to have to sleep with the crazy she-demon. Perhaps he could secure the return of her island instead? He, too, was “loaded.” Might even have an additional island somewhere to sweeten the pot. To keep track of such things proved challenging after a thousand years or so of existence.
“And second”—she held out two fingers—“you’re really not my type. I like ’em warm. But I will take that shirt and those pants.”
Not her “type”? She is out of her mind. On the other hand, if the goddess merely desired his mud-caked clothes…
“Buon,” he replied. He could easily glamour new garments off a nearby villager later. He slipped off his not-so-white linen shirt and black trousers and stood before her in the buff.
A sly smile stretched across her pixie-like face before she whistled and gave him a leisurely once-over. “I like you, vampire. You have this whole tanned European NBA gladiator je-ne-sais-pas man-fusion thing going. I’m totally getting you.”
He had no clue what she’d just said, but he did not care to know or to waste more time. He tossed the clothes to her feet. “Eccolo.”
Still gazing at his nude form, Cimil sighed and then began dressing. “You even smell delicious. Like a hint of chocolate with vanilla, and…”
“Mud?” he said dryly.
“That’s it.” She slipped on his large shirt and pants. The five-foot woman looked like a child playing dress-up in her father’s clothes. “Well, Niccolo, I haven’t got all day. Why do you risk life and limb to see me?”
“My freedom.”
Cimil froze midway through rolling up a pant leg. “You want to leave the queen’s employ?”
He nodded with an uncompromising stare.
“Complicated. Unprecedented. Perfectly insane…I’m in!” She froze for several awkward moments and then sparked back to life. “Wait. Why do you need good ol’ Auntie Cimi’s help?”
Niccolo hated to air vampire dirty laundry, but Cimil had to have heard of Reyna, the queen. “There is only one way to be relieved from her service: death. I would like to avoid it.”
“I see. You wouldn’t happen to have some wildly irrational reason for doing all this, would you? I love acts of futile insolence. They’re so whimsical!”
Trying not to sound like a pansy, he admitted, “I no longer wish to kill for her.”
“A vampire who doesn’t want to…kill? You don’t want to—” Cimil broke off, laughing hysterically. “That totally qualifies!”
Niccolo’s rage percolated as she clutched her stomach and slapped her knee. How dare she mock him! In truth, he had no objection to killing for the right reasons—for example, to protect the innocent from dark vampires, Obscuros—but for far too long he’d killed simply because he’d been ordered. He needed to be free, to know that every death he caused was justified.
Then there was the small matter of the queen’s mental instability, which undoubtedly fueled her unscrupulous behavior. The last straw had been when she demanded he blind the maid because the girl did not curtsy properly. He’d had to quickly call in several favors and get her a position with a respectable family where she’d be allowed to keep her eyes.
Sì, it was as clear as the fangs in his mouth; if there were a Crazy-Shrew Olympiad, the powerful queen would triumph.
Upholding the Pact between the gods and vampires, destroying Obscuros, those were still worthy causes, but he needed to get far away from Reyna before he ended up killing her—an act that would have fatal consequences for any vampire unfortunate enough to carry her blood, including himself.
Cimil continued howling with laughter and then suddenly spotted a large black beetle strolling past her foot. Her eyes filled with horror. “N-N-No. I think you are”—she swallowed hard—“lovely. I would never say that.” She jerked her head up and looked back at Niccolo. “Okay. And if I don’t help you?”
Is she speaking to me or the insect? “Then I will die,” he answered anyway.
“Live free or die, is it?” she said, eying the bug again.
She is mad. Why did I come here?
“Sì. That is correct,” he replied hesitantly.
Cimil watched the beetle disappear under a rock. She sighed with relief and then continued rolling up the other pant leg.
“You’re like a bad bumper sticker,” she said.
Bumper sticker? Why does she insist on speaking in code? Niccolo began grinding his teeth.
She stood, grasping the waistline of the pants to hold them up. “Lucky you, I enjoy a challenge. You’d be surprised what dull, predictable things people ask me. ‘When will I die? When will the world end?’ Blah, blah, blah…”
Niccolo released a quick breath. “Will you assist me or not?”
“Sure, my little cupcake of despair. Now, normally I charge twelve ninety-nine, plus shipping and handling, but in this case I’ll cut you a deal. You will be indebted to me, and I will have the right to call in the favor at any time in the future or past.”
Past? That settles it. I have found another contender for Crazy Shrew. Very well, at least I will not have to sleep with her. He hoped. He, too, “liked ’em warm,” and with a heart or a soul, for that matter. A little sanity might be pleasant, too.
“Agreed,” he said.
Cimil took several steps forward, closing the gap between them, and stared with her large turquoise-green eyes. “Prophecy time, mighty warrior. Kneel.”
Niccolo complied.
Baring a devilish grin, Cimil placed her soft hands on his cheeks and rubbed his unshaven jaw. “Oooh. Just like your eyes. So tough and black. The things your stubble could teach my calluses.”
Niccolo cocked one brow.
Cimil frowned. “No? Not into calluses? Fine, then.” She took a deep breath and then stared into his eyes before softly kissing his lips. She sucked in a deep breath as if absorbing his scent. “Okay. Up, up.”
That is all?
“Well?” he asked.
She turned and pushed through the thick underbrush, uncovering an overgrown path.
Niccolo trailed behind her, thoroughly perplexed. “Where the devil are you going?” he bellowed with his deep, commanding voice. “Tell me what you saw!”
“I was right about you, big guy,” she said. “You are a challenge, and I’m going to love watching you run this gauntlet. It’s a delightfully cruel one, at least for your shallow undead mind.”
What the bloody hell?  

5 Stars review
This is the second book in the Accidentally Yours Series. The story plot growing as we go along from book to book and I can hardly wait for book 4. (Already done book 3) With quirky sentences from both Helena and Niccola the lines flowed and you could laugh and giggle your way through it. Sometimes the quirkiness were so good that I went back and read them aloud to my hubby. The author played with words so that you want to continue to read the next sentence. I really enjoyed this Series so far.
Again we have an entire fleet of Hunks ready to safe the world, Niccola the General Vampire, Andrus the demigod, Viktor the Viking Vampire etc. By now they feel like friends. But Niccola is a real romantic hero sculpted in perfection. His strong feelings of protectiveness to the human race and Helena makes him the perfect candidate.
Helena the beautiful blond, clever and unafraid the perfect woman to tame him in every way. Sparks of passion flew from them the moment they met in the Mexican Jungle. This time the girl had to kiss the man to come from a three hundred year slumber. Perfect.
The kiss opened up a whole new world for them both and they had to find their way to each other through hunters that want to kill Niccola, using her as bait. Allowing their lust to grow in love and admitting to this human emotions. At the end Helena came to the rescue and saved the day.
In all three the books this theme was the common factor. A world of huge enormous hunks were saved by the small petite women. A welcome change to the norm.
A good paranormal romance that captures the imagination forgetting the world out there.

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